every year, the same old dance.
TOP 20 RECORDS
20. The Rival Mob - Mob Justice
19. Hoax - Self Titled
18. Lorde - Pure Heroine
17. CHVRCHES - The Bones Of What You Believe
16. Death Grips - Government Plates
15. Full Of Hell - Rudiments Of Mutilation
14. The Weeknd - Kiss Land
13. PIty Sex - Feast of Love
12. Harm Wulf - There’s Honey in the Soil So We Wait For The Till
11. Carcass - Surgical Steel
10. Incendiary - Cost of Living: a heavy hardcore masterpiece that smolders with rage, from start to finish. this will make you want to punch a cop through a wall. i don’t think i need to say anything more.
9. Isaiah Toothtaker - NOTHING: a mixtape composed entirely of nine inch nails samples while a true ice cold maniac raps over top. the end result is very very strange, but i couldn’t stop listening to it.
8. Deafheaven - Sunbather: the metal wonderchild of the year. chances are you’ve already had someone tell you to listen to this album. and you should do so. its’ black metal made by morrissey fans for morrissey fans. dream house is honestly one of the prettiest songs i heard all year.
7. Chelsea Wolfe - Pain is Beauty: building on the foundation of doom folk and post rock she had begun on previous records, chelsea expands her repertoire with a glum mixture of synth pop and gothic electronica and it totally works. (also chelsea i’m still up for coffee if you are ilu)
6. Mansions - Doom Loop: Christopher Bowers has been consistently fucking good for a hot minute here guys and what do you know this record is good too. catchy as hell fuzz rock about relationships and moving on in life.
5. Nails - Abandon All LIfe: this album loosened my bowels with fear. if you plan on going into public DON”T listen to this record. you’ll hurt someone. seriously.
4. Danny Brown - Old: the follow up to XXX is actually almost darker than it’s monumental predecessor. fame, drugs, money and sex have ruined danny browns life even more than it already was and he will tell you all about it. and you’ll love it. danny is a hard motherfucker and some of these songs will hurt your soul. the other stuff is about doing hella drugs and that’s pretty good too. it’s awesome that incredibly technical, brilliant hip hop is back in the publics eye btw.
3. Drake - Nothing Was The Same: i didn’t think that drake could top take care. i really really didn’t. but here it is. the best way to describe this album is luxury sad rap. like crying into your vercace sheets about your ex girl while three brazillian models bathe you in champagne. yeah. it’s like that. also hold on we’re going home is SMOOOOOTH.
2. King Krule - 6 Feet Beneath The Moon: this albums sounds lonely. the vocals are larger than life and more worn out than tom waits in the 70s. it’s ugly, depressing and surprisingly beautiful. i really really like this album guys.
1. Kanye West - YEEZUS: stop. no. stop. i know what you’re going to say. probably something about kanye worship or you’ll throw about a million underground rap releases than capture the sound of “real hip hop, man.” maybe you’ll bring up kanye and kim and kanye’s ego or like the publicity stunts or music videos or any number of reasons why i shouldn’t love this album as much as i do. well guess what: I DON’T CARE. nothing that came out this year was as fun to listen to as this album. from the weird daft punk manufactured beats to the sparse guest spots (CHIEF KEEF SINGING IN TANDEM WITH JUSTIN VERNON GUYS) to the graphic lyrical content: it’s all great. this is 808’s and heartbreak on drugs and written by a legitimate lunatic. i love it.
Da Mafia 6ix - 6ix Commandments (Three 6 Mafia returns and it’s almost harder than mystic styles)
Denzel Curry - Nostalgia 64 (dark, violent rap from a young spitter. definitely a solid release)
oOoOO - without your love (this album makes me want a drink. real bad)
Daylight - Jar (the best of the “grunge” worshipping pop punk bands)
this is stupid. i’m not even going to spell check this. peace.
to be 24 and already feel like you’ve lived too long is a major bummer.
do u ever wonder if ur going insane?
then you realize that ur just bored.
the past few months of grown tired and burnt out on nearly everything hardcore. which is sad to me since the genre and scene has helped me more than almost anything in the entire world.
I wish I felt like this above quote says you should be. I want to hold onto this dumb thing that means the world to me.
in the summer of 2011, I came very close to ending my life.
I can’t really remember why exactly. just tired, probably. tired of a long miserable life. nothing I’ve ever done has ever made a difference or meant anything. no job I’ve ever had has felt fulfilling or engaging. I slipped through life like it was a dream; there but not really there at the same time. I remember feeling exhaustion - real exhaustion, the kind that envelopes your mind and body and weighs you down and fills the bags under your eyes with sand. I stopped eating I stopped sleeping I stopped dreaming. I scribbled in notepads and tried to make sense of the mess in my head. I smoked cigarettes endlessly. I drank enough coffee to swim in it. but nothing filled me.
I was sad. in every sense of the word. I just wanted to stop. I wanted my whole world to just stop. I felt like that would give me peace. the last person I wanted to hear my voice was my brother so I called him and he ended up talking me out of suicide and came and brought me home.
I’m still not sure that was the best choice. see when you walk through life with the burden of depression in your heart, it never really goes away. all the friendship and love and purpose and money and drugs and alcohol can’t ever fill that void, that big empty place in the center of your chest. nothing fills. you can only keep distracting yourself again and again until you just are so worn out and exhausted of feeling like this that you break. everything comes to a point where you just don’t care anymore. where it doesn’t matter if you live or die.
I feel like that happens to me often. I am perhaps too stubborn. I keep clinging to life almost as a reflex when everything in me is screaming for me to stop. on and on and on. I’ve gone through the last two years since that lonely summer of 2011 clinging to a life that should have ended then.
or at least that’s what it feels like on mornings like this. lying in a bed while my hungover (still drunk?) friend snores next to me, in a city that I still can’t quite call home and I just feel….empty. tired. the bags under my eyes keep growing. I never really sleep anymore. I don’t know how to tell anyone how I feel - the responses are always the same.
“just stop being so negative”
“why can’t you just be happy?”
“you gotta look on the bright side”
“maybe you need to talk to someone”
I don’t think that 99% of humanity really knows how to deal with that big ever growing empty in their chests so they throw one of those responses out whenever confronted by it. if you’ve told a person who is down and out that the real thing is that they should stop being so negative, you’ve missed the fucking point. you don’t get it. and perhaps luckily for you, you never will.
I used to write like this all the time. I used to share it with strangers, try to give that big empty a shape, a name - I tried to describe everything I felt as best I could. I’ve met a lot of people through these thoughts and poems and jagged little notes. sometimes I trust these names and avatars more than I do the people I see every day.
sometimes. I don’t know why I don’t write this way any more. too tired. my mind is cluttered with junk. like my sex drive, my creativity has dwindled to nothing at all. I feel useless, empty and dried out. I know too much and nothing at all. I hate everything and everyone I meet. if it wasn’t for my girlfriend I would have jumped in front of a train in Calgary and that would be that. my whole life reduced to a stain on tracks right in front of a dilapidated mall, hundreds of miles from anyone that cared. I wish I could say I didn’t think about it from time to time. it always creeps back into my mind, usually around that time of night where you don’t think the sun will ever come back up. I’m old. I’m tired. I’m sad. I do everything I can to stay on top of it but I just….it’s there.
it echoes through my goddamn brain and I can’t fucking make it fucking stop oh god why won’t it fucking stop
there’s nothing out there.
there’s nothing in here either.
I think that’s the scary part. just feeling nothing. everyone I meet I’m disinterested in. all my emotions feel faked. am I ever really angry or sad or happy or anything? have I just gotten good at faking it?
I’m tired of being the sad boy. I’m tired of hating. I’m tired of feeling empty. but no matter how hard I try it’s just there. and it doesn’t leave.
it’s just there.
I don’t know what the point of this was. none of it makes sense. just meaningless rambling written in cadence to another mans snoring. I’m exhausted and I need a drink. I need to feel loved. I need something.
I need help.
Everything withers and passes into an obscurity blacker than night, everything from the melodramatic decline of a person’s life to the banal flickering moments that constitute each day. Everything that is done undone, everything said or known destined for a kind of stellar oblivion.